A very good friend of mine lost her voice for a longer than convenient amount of time. During this period, she couldn't just stay at home and wait for it to come back - with a full-time, corporate job it meant the day after she first realised she had no voice she was travelling on business, with her first stop a presentation. How on earth are you meant to present to a room full of people when you can barely hear yourself talk, let alone anyone else hearing you? But, like the rockstar she is, Alex pushed through, and along the way she learnt a thing or two. Alex sent me what you're about to read in an email, and I felt it was too good to be kept between us, other people needed to read (and hopefully take in) her words of wisdom...
You probably aren’t as good at listening as you think you are. I always thought ‘I listen to people, I’m a good listener’. And I am sure on some level I think we all think we are good listeners. But it is human nature to want to help someone when they are telling you a problem. I definitely fall into the category of the personality type that wants to help you fix your problems. With no voice, you can’t do that. You are forced to ACTUALLY listen, with all your being.
People are able to talk themselves into solutions if you stay quiet and listen for long enough. Actually listen in the truest sense of what that means: Mouth closed, ears open and brain engaged in listening, and don't start a ‘when this happened to me I did …’ solution forming. I literally had someone call me up and start off with ‘I know you can’t talk so just listen.’ They talked to me for ten minutes and then ended with ‘It is so satisfying just being heard, let me know when you get your voice back.’ And then they hung up.
Every single person with a voice takes their voice for granted. Just a simple thing like trying to order some sushi or your triple caramel macchiato with whipped cream on the side and sprinkles on top is next to impossible when you do not have a voice. Also you have no idea how much ambient noise is around you at all times when you’re out and about.
People listen more closely if you talk quietly. When people do not listen to you, you feel like shouting is the only way to be heard when in fact it can be quite the opposite. Ever noticed how when you mumble under your breath people always ask for you to repeat what you said? Sort of the same principle here. But I’m not advocating mumbling – that drives people crazy – just observing that there is an alternative to screaming so your voice is heard. I literally had a whole boardroom filled with people that were leaning in, completely engaged and attentive and hanging on every word all because I was losing my voice. Well it was that or I am just a super awesome presenter and was able to captivate the whole room, you tell me...
Toddlers have every right to throw tantrums because man, it is so frustrating not being able to make yourself understood. For example I wanted to order an English breakfast tea with a dash of milk the other day, then I changed my mind and ordered a peppermint tea. You’d assume that as it is a herbal tea you wouldn’t still add the dash of milk…it was added. I wanted to cry and throw a tantrum because you can only imagine what level of trauma I would have had to go through to try and apologise for not making myself clear in the first place and asking for a new one without crying. Thankfully I was with someone with a voice and they could do that for me at the time.
Lots of people do not listen or observe life closely enough. People do not make eye contact very often anymore. It’s scary actually. – when you aren’t talking you can actually watch life a little more closely. When your voice cannot be heard and people don’t make eye contact, the world can get a little lonely because how can people read your lips if they aren’t looking at you? Someone working at a sidewalk café was genuinely facetious and rude to me because he could not hear my reply to his ‘how are you going?’ Had he glanced up and been looking at me, as I was looking at him and replying he would have seen me replying even if he couldn’t hear me. Instead he said something snarky two seconds later which left the both of us not feeling fantastic about life at that moment.
Small acts of kindness are not given enough credit, nor are they done often enough. I’m not joking here. My lack of voice has (surprisingly) endeared me to a few people over the last ten days. One lady gave me an extra salad choice when I was at the airport trying to order food and another lady gave me an extra doughnut. You can tell I love food can’t you? But seriously, it was the little act of kindness that made my day and it seems like people are more comfortable being kind when they know that the person can’t say anything back.
Patience. You have to learn to be very patient when people cannot hear you. Additionally, you cannot force your body to heal any faster than it is willing to (trust me I have tried). Just generally, you are forced to learn a whole new level of patience when you are not able to talk. It is rather fascinating when you can’t reply and you are forced to think. Is it really worth replying with something that isn’t very kind to someone being nasty? When you have that gap between the stimulus and response you get that second to think before acting.
In summary:
Be kind to people.
Listen without trying to get your words into conversation – talk less, listen more.
Toddlers are just frustrated, their crying is justified.
You don’t always have to shout to be heard.
Do a small act of kindness today, whether it is writing someone a quick note to tell them they are appreciated or buying coffee for the person behind you, making someone’s day a little brighter will make your day a little lighter too.
And here is a challenge for you all: try to remember the colour of people’s eyes when you talk to them. This is a way to work out how much eye contact you actually make.
- Alex Dawson
"The biggest problem is we do no listen to understand. We listen to reply." - Unknown
That's all for now,
Jordyn x
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